tomorrow is train day. train to portland. for several reasons. mostly though to get away.(but i promise to write about psu)i keep wondering if this will be the magical three days i’ll return and feel “rested.” will i come back filled with abundant patience and kindness? will i? will i?

im tired of feeling disconnected from what i am passionate about. i could quote years of myself journaling about this persistent epidemic i seem to never quite kick. what does is mean to be CONNECTED?
i am like my computer battery that cannot hold a charge on its own if its life depended on it. it must always be plugged in….

i think more than anything, if my already lack of consistent writing does not evident, that i lack what it takes to maintain myself on the outside. i lose interest. i want to do nothing but disengage my mind. i can hardly read because the words on a page quickly blur. my mind is too full
but it is not emptying itself.
it only empties, i remind myself, when i let the words out.

stephanie, who i’m spending a long weekend in portland with,
keeps talking about the sabbath
and spiritual discipline in general
based on a book she’s reading, which i may need to own. i hope she will
continue to proselytize me with it.
i want to stop the singeing of my soul
before its too black. without flavor.
without life.

maybe she is on to something worthwhile.