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confession: i’ve been letting the thoughts in my brain dam themselves against the flow of words.

so now that’s off my chest.

let me travel back to january 1st. i was sitting with my friend nat who suddenly asked me to go with her to hear beethoven’s ninth. the infamous tune began immediately humming in my head. moreover, i was overcome with the idea of starting the new year with an ode to joy.

but already 3.5 weeks into 2010 i can already name, more than i care to, tragedies that steals joy’s thunder.

sitting in c’s office on monday nights i am able to keep up with nikki mcclure’s calendar (which i didn’t buy this year…i decided to try a new artist). in mid ramble i looked up to see the word ‘invite.’ every monday i look up to see invite. it’s a word i’ve needed to hear repetitively these weeks.

because i am not surrounded or drowning or adorned in joy. i must invite it into the dark places i have found myself lately.

the symphony was lovely. classical music is completely refreshing. the composition, to think long about, is mind boggling. but in true confession, i wasn’t swept away as dramatically as i had wished to be. i put so much energy into the anticipation of hearing this great piece of work that it ended all too soon for my thirsty hype. leaving me a bit wanting. so i am revisiting what i was hoping to gain.

oh the magical moment when joy take over.

but i am being reminded of the reality. that joy comes in pieces. collecting themselves like dust particles. and then when you look at all the small things accumulated, there is much to show. there is something big to be overwhelmed with.

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actual phone message left by client on prosecuting attorney’s voicemail:

client 1: um this is {         } and my social security number is, um, 3 um 1, uhhh wait 6. no. um i can never remember my number. um 3.
it’s so hard to remember it.
(yelling to client in the hallway)
hey, do you know your social security number?

client 2: yes it’s {123-45-6789}

client 3: {      } you’re not supposed to walk around blurting out your social security number

client 1: hey {       }! MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!
um i can’t remember it.

(hangs up phone)