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living in seattle without a car, walking was an integral part of my daily routine, done without second thought about getting from point a to point b and perhaps even point c.  walking here in nebraska on the farm, is reserved time and reserved time becomes time for my crowded, muzzled mind.

i walk the section, one mile each direction, three miles are gravel roads, all four miles are surrounded by cornfields.  i”ve discovered an apple tree in the ditch on mile 2; however, the apples are now out of reach so i am snacking on stolen lincoln pears off the neighbor’s tree (neighbor is .25 miles away).

it’s a beautiful walk.  i have no where else to be but there, walking, part of my daily sanity.  the other night i began my walk at 8 pm while the sun began it’s daily set and the sky was clear all minus a small, stretched, billowing cloud hanging low in the southeast, flashing pink as if someone was plugging and unplugging it.  the scenery may look the same day in and day out, there is no entertainment in people watching but how often can you witness a miniature electric storm in such a small cloud?  i was amused as the cloud continued it’s punk show while the rest of the sky turned into a mass of congested stars.

in three days, i will be returning to the city…the quiet will be replaced…walking will become a necessity…it has been good to be home.  but there is now a time for something,
well, something else.

what i’m currently listening to:

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feelings surrounding loneliness, solitary
solo
lonesome
sole
lone
are drowning me. i was sitting on the porch
staring at the starry sky, suddenly very aware of where i was
what i am {not} doing.

i came across this stunning video.
a beautiful reminder to my current now.

{originally posted on swiss miss}

hello september.  hello day 41 from the cornfields of nebraska.  i cannot believe how the days are colliding into each other and fall is standing around the corner.  it’s been nice to have a summer break.

the days have been full of canning, weeding, babysitting, cooking, baking, landscaping, and roofing (!).  in fact as soon as i walk away from the computer, i will go pick tomatoes, start the tomato soup canning process and carry up one last wheel barrel full of mulch.  the best part of coming back home this time of year is that there is no lack of work and so i can stay busy.  physically busy, a welcomed reprieve after work in seattle.

but one of the reasons i did come home too was for time to write and process, which i admit, has been a struggle to follow through.  i wanted to play the piano more but haven’t played for 2 weeks now.  only this week did i write my first hand written letter to the outside world.  it is so easy to fall instep with preoccupation.  i also forget how much one can squeeze in a day.  i needed time.  but i also need interaction.

people ask what is next. i brush it off, smiling a “who knows?”  then adding “but it’s nice to be here.”  i’ve put little thought about actually staying here (or in nebraska at large) though i do have some charming friends, and it is nice to be close to family.  but whenever i consider staying here, i only feel its out of obligation and nothing in my body dances at the thought.  then again, whatever and wherever i go next, is a start over, is transition, is choosing to put roots down.

i really don’t want to keep moving.  i feel done.  i moved out to seattle with the intention of staying a year or two but it turned into four.  maybe part of the reason it was an easy decision to leave was that i had never put down any lasting roots.  i never fully committed to much.

in two weeks (12 days) i am flying out to washington d.c.,  a city i never saw myself residing.  a little background story:  i was living in wyoming with intentions of relocating to virginia but last minute decided that wasn’t the best option and found myself in nebraska. after a month and a half, i realized that my anxiety about staying in the midwest was overwhelming and on a whim decided that seattle would be good.  so two weeks later, i packed my car and drove back out west.  a week before the move, i was at my cousin’s wedding in michigan.  mind you i hadn’t slept in days.  but at that wedding i met billy haley, the wedding officiator.  we shared the l’abri experience which opened up a conversation of how i currently was falling apart.  at that point he invited me to join a community in d.c. where he and his wife were working.  i took his information but knew seattle was where i needed to be next.  and it was.  but when things in seattle came undone, that conversation with bill haley ran through my mind when i was least expecting it.  and i knew i needed to email him.

i really can’t tell you what the 2 1/2 weeks in d.c. will entali.  but i know i’ve been counting on them and i’m expecting….
well something….
some sort of direction…
an answer to be able to move forward.